


A Place to Call Home

by talonyth



Series: The Battlefield Called Apartment Complex [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, And Poor Bastard Oikawa Who Is Tobio's Nanny, Busy Dad Ushijima, Family Dynamics, His 4-Year Old Son Tobio, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-02-19 15:17:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2393174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talonyth/pseuds/talonyth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa tends the child of his former teammate Ushijima on his request while he is gone and starts to question what home really means.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Unfortunate Nanny

“I wanna stay up,” Tobio says, pout forming on his lips as he squeezes that ugly volleyball mascot plush - apparently named Vee - to his chest. A four-year old child is a lot harder to take care of than Oikawa originally thought when he agreed to do it. It was just a joke in the beginning. Having to give up his volleyball career in exchange to be a nanny - or well, really just a goddamn babysitter - was nothing he ever thought he would do. 

To be fair, he hasn't done it voluntarily. A severe back injury has made it impossible for him to still play professionally and he was about to look for a different way to get money when his own teammate of all people offered him to look out for his son. No one less than Wakatoshi Ushijima, The Volleyball Superstar. Ridiculous. Now Oikawa doesn't harbour any ill feelings towards him anymore as they had played in the same team for more than 7 years right after high school graduation but still, the entire setting is more than just a joke. 

It's not like he does it for free though. Ushijima gives him enough money to not even think about taking up another job. He'd have to work his ass off for the same salary while here, he simply deals with a child. A child whose mother left him for whatever reason, he never asked Ushijima, and whose father is too busy to take care of him. Kind of pitiful. 

“I said no. You will be going to sleep,” Oikawa says with firm voice, arms akimbo. 

Tobio puffs out his cheeks and huffs, fingers burying into Vee. It doesn't impress Oikawa much, Tobio does that whenever he knows his dad comes home. 

“I wanna wait and see Dad.”

“And I'm telling you he is going to come home too late for you to wait for him. He is going to be angry at you if he sees you walking around at night time, you know that.”

Tobio presses his lips together so tightly, his face is going all red. Oh, he is not going to try and cry now. ...Surprisingly, he really doesn't. He simply stands there, plush in hands, his small body tense and trembling and Oikawa almost wants to give in. He is sure Ushijima wouldn't actually mind; after all, he would see his son after two weeks of absence. But it would mess up Tobio's sleeping schedule and Oikawa honestly wouldn't want to deal with those consequences. 

He lets out a sigh and kneels down to be on Tobio's line of sight. The boy avoids to look into Oikawa's eyes, obviously trying not to cry out of frustration. ...He isn't really bright, that kid. 

“Tobio.”

No reply. He doesn't even move nor blink. 

“Tobio, look at me. I'm going to add the '-chan' again, I know how much you dislike it.”

A faint grumble comes from Tobio's direction, his eyes lifting to meet Oikawa's. Oh dear. What a troublesome child. He would never admit he has taken a liking of him in the year he has been working with him. But he is just a child, and he is lovely for what Oikawa has noticed. He can't help but feel bad for him. 

“Look, you say you want to be like your Dad, right? An athlete?”

The boy nods lightly and holds Vee tighter yet. He is going to rip that thing apart one day with his tiny fingers. 

“So, you have to get used to a good sleeping schedule. Athletes do that sort of thing. They have a very strict and regular day and the sooner you get used to this, the better. Do you understand that?”

He is _four_. He doesn't understand anything but Tobio nods anyway. Maybe he understood half of what Oikawa has been saying or he might be brighter than he expected him to be. Not that Tobio is stupid, he just shows little interest in other things than, well, volleyball. He doesn't even particularly like cartoons even though he watches them absent-mindedly. Sometimes. 

“Then what do you have to do now?”

Tobio relaxes visibly, his grip around the plush loosening as the grim expression on his face is replaced by a pout again. “Go to bed,” he answers reluctantly and it brings a smile to Oikawa's face. 

“Good boy,” he says and ruffles Tobio's hair who grimaces. He doesn't like to be touched, Oikawa noticed, but he never found out why. He would always have this sort of face as soon as anyone steps too close to him. Perhaps he has a good understanding of personal space as Oikawa is sure he has never seen a child refusing to get into contact with others as Tobio does. Although at least he has the neighbour kids as his friends, they all go to the same kindergarten and they'll probably also all go to the same middle school. Especially that pumped-up kid next door who almost busts in the front door because he has too much energy... what was it? Shou-chan? Or that's what he's called. He often comes by to visit Tobio but the boy still seems oddly detached. 

Oikawa's hand sinks and Tobio's face softens right away. Maybe Tobio just doesn't like him but is afraid to say it. Whatever, not like he cares much although the thought starts to irritate Oikawa for no reason whatsoever. 

“Good night, Tobio.”

The boy nods slightly. “Good night, Oikawa-san.” He turns on his heels and shuffles back to his room. Oikawa waits until the door closes and he hears no footsteps any longer. 

He exhales and stands up, stretching his limbs and feeling them crack in a very pleasant manner. It's still a joke for him to be standing here in a nicely looking and huge apartment where only a small boy lives waiting constantly for his father to come back. He doesn't understand how Ushijima has a child anyway. They are both the same age although Oikawa faintly remembers Ushijima had gotten married very early, maybe a year after they had played together. Iwa-chan and him, they went together to Ushijima's wedding, as teammates and all. That was the first and the last time Oikawa had seen Ushijima's wife. Tobio has his looks from her, definitely, although that ever-stern look on his face might be his father's fault. 

But seriously, how did he end up with a child? And how did he end up with it alone? Oikawa wants to pry but at the same time, he is too grateful for the chance he's been given. It could be better and he would be lying to say his pride isn't shattered, but to the extent that he can't mend it anyway. All he ever wanted was to play. 

He goes up to the fridge and takes a pack of milk out, pouring some in a glass and putting it right back again, sitting down at the table standing there. Two glasses are still standing there, one is his, one is Tobio's. Hm. This is almost like having a family. Except he is being paid but... it doesn't feel a lot like work and it makes Oikawa anxious how he has come to think like this. He downs the glass in one go, leaving it on the table.

He remembers times in which he only wanted to play around as much as he could. During high school that is. He also remembers times in which everyone asked him how it comes he has no one he is seeing. The only one letting him off has always been Iwaizumi. Oikawa doesn't really know why, he has never found anyone interesting enough to stay with them. And this right now, it's different. It's a job even if it doesn't feel like one but when has he last been in his own flat? Most of his things are here, from clothes to other belongings, his room here is filled with everything that matters. More often than not he thinks he could leave his old apartment. But this is just a job, not a new home. 

He decides to get up and watch TV in the living room for the time being. Looks at the clock. It's 9pm. Ushijima is probably going to come back at midnight, as always. Perhaps he should have let Tobio stay up. It is boring like this and it feels lonely. This is ridiculous. He feels like waiting for his partner to come back and he is positive Iwa-chan would kill him for this sort of thought. Although those two, Iwaizumi and Ushijima, they get along surprisingly well. Oikawa feels blessed to have been able to play with two spikers as fantastic as them.

Even though he wishes he still could. He never meant to fall like this. He never meant to end up a professional babysitter, he never meant to get attached and make it feel like home. Because it isn't. It is a job. And Oikawa realizes that a place like home, he doesn't have anything like that. This isn't his home but neither is his old apartment. His team was his home but he lost it a year ago. And he clings to a singular part of what his home used to be, to a teammate who proposed a silly thing like out of a bad romantic flick. His life, Oikawa decides, has become an absolute joke. It's the only thing he can still call it.

Three hours later, the front door opens softly, keys ringing and Oikawa opens his eyes to the sound of a late-night show he doesn't know and heavy footsteps approaching the living room. He must have dozed off, must have been more tired - or more bored - than he thought. 

“Oikawa.” A deep voice rings in his ears and he turns his head towards the source of it. Ushijima stands there, looking as proper as ever, as proper as you can look in a track suit. He has always had this sort of stuffy, stuck-up aura about him, ever since he had first met him. Too honest to be true, too bold to be likeable, too perfect to be real. Oikawa understands his past self's sentiments again. How did he end up like this? With a child and no wife? With a broken family? Isn't he too serious for that? 

“Yaho, Ushiwaka-chan,” he lazily replies with a half-baked smile on his face. 

“Don't call me like that.”

A laugh worms out of Oikawa's throat. His tongue feels like lead, he must have been sleepier than he thought. “You and Tobio aren't that far apart as it seems. He always says the same. Incredible.”

“Ah... does he?” he murmurs as he comes closer and sinks onto the couch right next to Oikawa. He smells like a long train ride and cold and fresh air from the outside. Well, it is the end of November. Oikawa wonders if they'll have snow this year. Probably. He might go out with Tobio to see him trip in the snow and fall flat on his face. “How is he doing?” Ushijima sounds exhausted and drained, his usually forceful tone oddly mellow. 

“Hm, as always. He didn't want to go to sleep because he wanted to wait for you to come back,” Oikawa tells him and sinks into the backrest, it is much harder than he remembers it to be. The TV is still on, volume low as Oikawa didn't mean to possibly wake up Tobio, and it keeps blabbering away but neither him nor Ushijima listen, neither of them saying a single word. 

Oikawa has wondered about Tobio's behaviour, oddly distant from everyone but he thinks that it might not be as surprising if he looks at his father. He didn't raise him to be like that but perhaps this is a distinct sort of character trait they have. It is not that they don't care; but they can't express themselves well, neither Tobio nor Ushijima. Perhaps the child is much more like its father than Oikawa thought. 

“Have you at least been successful? The boy misses you and I'm sure he wouldn't want a loser-dad to come home,” Oikawa utters. He doesn't actually know, hasn't followed the news, hasn't asked Iwaizumi either. Frankly, he forgot to do so and he figured Iwa-chan was too busy to say anything anyway. 

“Yes, we have. Although it is still vastly different from what we used to be like,” Ushijima replies and as Oikawa, leans onto the backrest, his posture still straight though unlike Oikawa whose head dangles off the edge of the rest. Vastly different from what it used to be like. When he played. Yeah, Oikawa can imagine. A setter changes so much about a team. 

“Well, a win is a win. At least Tobio has something to boast about endlessly again.” Oikawa doesn't sound bitter in any way, or maybe just a little bit. He doesn't mind Tobio's enthusiasm towards volleyball. He can understand it, even. Not in his age, a little older but Oikawa remembers he hadn't been that different. But it tires him out sometimes. He wishes he could not think about volleyball sometimes but it's impossible like this. Traces of the past always come back to bite him in his ass until he can't sit calmly anymore. 

It is mildly surprising to very disturbing when Ushijima sinks to the side, his head suddenly resting on Oikawa's shoulder. He is heavy. But what is he doing? He has never been the type for skinship, always the one to halt affinity shown to him in form of closeness. ...Ah. Tobio. There it is. They simply don't like feeling intruded although as for Ushijima, most of those around him were too respectful to do so even if he would have liked it. 

“I'm not a cushion,” Oikawa says, tone harsher than intended. He doesn't mind it much, Iwaizumi and him used to do this often enough at school and even afterwards. Someone else's presence can be soothing in times of stress, he guesses. He doesn't get a reply but instead listens to a soft but heavy breathing. Ushijima had fallen asleep. He sure blacks out fast. So much for soothing presence. As if Oikawa believed to be anything like that. 

But then what? Then why? Why is he here? Ushijima is rich enough to get a professional nanny, someone who knows how to deal with kids and not him. It's not that he doesn't like them, not that he can't deal with them but he isn't trained in doing something like this just because he used to take care of his nephew years and years before. Why in the world would Ushijima want him to tend his child? It's surreal but Oikawa is too tired to think about it too deeply. Maybe he will ask him. One day, he might.


	2. It's good to be Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god why did this turn out so long also did you know there is an entire au based on this now with all neighbours planned out? well high five to my bestest daffodude niki for talking to me until ass o'clock to make it happen.

It’s December now, almost the end of it. Christmas and New Years Eve are left in this forsaken year. Oikawa cleans up the dining table and wrinkles his nose. The little rat didn’t eat his vegetables again. More precisely, he carefully picked out every single piece of pickled eggplant, formed a small pile and left it aside. That explains why he went to his room so quickly. Oikawa considers calling him back but for today, he’s been fed up enough.

Shouyou, the neighbour child from next door, came in flying together with the cute Tadashi kid from the apartment opposite of his. ... _Ushijima’s_ apartment, Oikawa reminds himself and sighs as he scratches Tobio’s leftovers from the plate. It beats him how the small freckled kid put up with Shouyou and sometimes even with Tobio. At least he has friends, supposedly. They do seem to get along well though he mostly hears Shouyou screaming and yelling and being overly excited. ...Someone has to be the playmaker. Both kids left by the time food was ready though and the apartment went quiet afterwards. It still is, eerily so.

Oikawa quickly shoves the rest of the plates and glasses into the dishwasher, washes his hands and looks at the calendar hanging on the wall next to the fridge. Tomorrow is marked red, neat letters written in a small space. ‘Tobio’s birthday’. Ah. Right. Oikawa figures he hasn’t experienced the kid’s birthday before because he started working right after New Year’s Eve. So his birthday is on December 22nd. He passes by and walks into the living room, sits down on the couch and turns the TV on. Ads everywhere, Christmas songs played and the like, luring people in to buy expensive presents.

Presents. Birthday. Shit.

He doesn’t have a clue what to do for Tobio’s birthday, not to say he didn’t even know it was his birthday at all. More like, he saw the red letters but never actually read them. Properly, at least. Usually the days Ushijima comes back are marked so he doesn’t need to read what’s written there. He breathes in and out and while he still has no idea, he at least feels a little calmer. It’s fine, the shops are all open, he will be able to find something. Probably no fancy cake because the time is too short to order one. Probably no birthday party because his friends haven’t been asked beforehand. And Ushijima isn’t home. Not yet, at least. And he has no idea what present to get Tobio.

This is going to be a disaster, he thinks but tries to calm himself down. Shouyou is over here everyday anyway, he’ll probably spare some time for his friend, right? Same as Tadashi. Isn’t there any other kid in this building? Maybe none Tobio gets along with. About the cake Oikawa thinks of calling Iwaizumi’s parents who have a small bakery, they will probably be able to do something if he begs them. Plus, with the multitude of siblings Iwaizumi has, someone will have to have time to make one for him.

Alright, that’s two problems less. That leaves the present and Ushijima. Ushijima. Oikawa closes his eyes and tries to figure out how he can possibly not be at home, a day before his son’s birthday. He’ll probably come back. He probably has everything planned. This is Ushijima, after all. Mr. Perfect, Goody Two-Shoes who is too respectable to be an irresponsible father like that. Or so everyone would think. Oikawa can’t entirely blame him. Having a child at his age when all he wanted was to be a professional athlete is already hard enough to swallow but having your wife leave you is even worse. Oikawa supposes she did everything concerning Tobio. As he does in her stead now.

Ushijima is barely ever home and when he is, it is mostly at night when Tobio has to sleep. It’s how he used to work but now he would have to adjust to another schedule in order to at least see his son every once in a while. ...But he doesn’t.

A thought comes to Oikawa’s mind that is ludicrous to think about. Perhaps Ushijima is actively avoiding the contact to Tobio. For God knows what reason, perhaps because he reminds him of his wife although Ushijima has never seemed to be very sentimental over her leaving. But no, this is definitely not like Ushijima. He would never blame a child, over all his own child. He’s just too much of a workaholic. Oikawa smirks when he remembers this is what everyone used to call him once, very likely the reason him and Ushijima got along so well after all once they were in the same team.

Fine, Ushijima probably has his return settled. He considers calling him at a later time to make sure. The present problem. Oikawa pulls his legs up onto the sofa, sitting cross-legged in front of the TV, wrapping his arms around his knees. He watches ad after ad being shown on TV and they are so grossly unfunny that it makes Oikawa chuckle. He could ask him. Tobio. He could simply go and ask him. Possibly he has seen something he would want. In any case, Oikawa thinks a small children’s volleyball would probably make him happy. Really happy, actually.

As rich as Ushijima is, Tobio never acts like a bratty rich kid who gets everything he wants. Much rather, he likes the cheap pudding from the supermarket next door and enjoys wearing simple shirts and pants more than the fancy ones he owns. He prefers the ugly volleyball mascot plush Vee over any of the more expensive toys he has and he never actively asks to have the same thing as other children do. Odd, the little rat. Oikawa feels like he is not very bright but in his behaviour far too… mature? As mature as a soon to be 5-year old kid can be, at least. He snorts when he realizes how Ushijima used to be the same in high school, seemingly an adult of 30 years already, knowing exactly what he is doing and behaving like the perfect grown-up expected to get out of high school and work. Or at least that is what he looked like. In the end, he got married, had a child, both at a young age and struggles with the aftermath now. It is so bizarre to think about it. Almost as bizarre as the thought that Ushijima avoids Tobio.

Oikawa gets up from the couch before he can even consider any more ridiculous thoughts and walks up to Tobio’s door, knocking softly.

“Tobio, can I come in?”

There is no reply. ...Did he sneak out? He knocks again and leans his ear against the door. He can hear someone inside, faint and muffled sounds though he can’t categorize what kind of sounds. Why isn’t he answering?

“Listen, I’ll come in now, alright,” Oikawa says, opening the door… and seeing no one at first. The light is out, the room is dark although it isn’t that late yet but the second he steps in, he hears Tobio taking a deep breath and holding it, blanket on the bed moving. ...What in the world is that kid doing? “Tobio, are you asleep?”

It is a rhetorical question, of course. Children usually don’t see through that. They often reply regardless which gives them away. Or so is what Oikawa thought but Tobio doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t move nor… Oikawa remembers having done something like this before. When he was a teenager, not an almost 5-year old child though. It makes him cringe when he sits down the edge of Tobio’s bed, laying a hand on what he thinks is probably Tobio’s shoulder, curled up beneath his blanket entirely. He is tense, small body shaking and Oikawa, for only a second, feels incredibly helpless. He pulls himself together, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply to lean over the small bundle to where he thinks is Tobio’s face.

“Listen,” he whispers with a smile on his face although he doesn’t feel like smiling for a second but Tobio doesn’t have to know, “if you want me to believe you that you are asleep, you have to try and even your breath before I come in. Though I’ll give you, it was smart not to reply to me.”

The faint tremor doesn’t stop, Tobio is still effectively holding his breath but Oikawa leans against him a little heavier. He wants to force Tobio to let out the entire breath he held in - and he manages. The air bursts out of Tobio and with it small and meek sobs. So Oikawa had the right hunch.

He used to do this lots of times in middle school, sometimes in high school still. Locking himself up in his room, curling up in his bed and crying himself to sleep. For whatever stupid reason, he doesn’t really remember anymore. Mostly because of volleyball, probably. It seems so dumb, in hindsight, but it was relieving enough to enable him to keep going.

He props himself back up again to give Tobio some room who shifts but doesn’t turn his face to Oikawa. Not that he would be able to see because the room is too dark for that. The boy sniffles and sobs into the blanket still, curling up even more.

“What is it, Tobio? Hm?” Oikawa hums as he pats Tobio’s shoulder. He figures freaking out about this won’t do any good. The kid doesn’t seem to want to approach him or talk to him, even less than usually. What a drag, he would love to think, but this strikes him much harder than expected yet he knows he has to keep up the nice facade. “Did you have a bad dream? Did you go to bed too soon after dinner and have a stomachache? What’s the matter?”

There is a slight murmur from under the blanket, mixed with faint wails and sniffs and a motion that Oikawa interprets as Tobio shaking his head. A sigh comes out of his mouth, more astonished about the behaviour of this child than about his lack of a reply.

“...Tobio, if you keep everything in like this, you’ll explode someday and then I have to clean the floor from a thousand and billion tiny Tobio parts and it will take me a thousand and billion years to put you back together. So don’t do that, alright?”

A sniff is the reply but it doesn’t keep Oikawa from going on.

“If you’re feeling sad, then you have to let it out. You’ll grow a bad habit if you do this.”

A thin voice whines under the blanket, small noises of a child crying trying not to make any sound. As if it would disturb someone. Oikawa gulps and takes a deep breath. His heart is hurting worse than after any break-up he remembers having, it hurts worse than a defeat on court. Much, much worse.

“If something bothers you, you’ll have to tell me. You might think I’m cool enough to read minds but let me tell you a secret,” he says and leans down again to whisper, “I actually can’t do that.”

He doesn’t expect Tobio to laugh nor to reply when he feels him tremble still. What could possibly upset a child as much so it would hide and cry alone rather than throw a tantrum? Like, at about any other child he has gotten to know.

“If I cry lots…” Tobio mumbles, voice shaking and Oikawa doesn’t remember when the last time was his insides felt like they were clutched together, “Mum said... I have to be a good boy because if not... Dad’s not going to come back anymore…”

There is so much wrong with that sentence that Oikawa doesn’t know where to start questioning. He doesn’t know where to let out the anger that starts to boil in him; but he takes a deep breath and rather wants Tobio to calm down right now.

“But you are a good boy. You behave yourself well - even though next time you leave your vegetables on the plate, you won’t get any dessert but you don’t cause much trouble otherwise. Sometimes I feel like I am more of a maid than someone who has to take care of you because you don’t need me to watch over you. I don’t see any reason why your Dad wouldn’t want to come back to a child like you,” Oikawa says and he doesn’t believe the words that come out of his mouth. Making it sound disgustingly as if he wouldn’t mind having a child if it was like Tobio. Although it’s not far from the truth, he’s afraid.

Tobio sniffles and shifts positions a bit, loosening up somewhat. “...If I cry lots,” he starts again, “Mum said that crying lots won’t bring me Dad home earlier so I shouldn’t cry or she will be troubled by that if I cry over such a small thing… so I don’t cry… but…”

Oikawa bites his lip and tries to calm himself down. That woman was vile, telling a child something like this. Troubled? By her son missing his father? He thought the wicked stepmother type existed exclusively in fairy tales but oh wonder, they do seem to exist in real life too. What a witch.

“No one will be bothered by you crying, Tobio. Not me, not your Dad. We want you to be happy, not you trying to be as quiet as possible. If it helps you to cry, then you should. Remember, you’ll explode otherwise.”

He probably imagines hearing Tobio giggle for just a second before his head wriggles out of the blanket burrito he wrapped himself in but it makes him smile nonetheless and on instinct, he ruffles Tobio’s hair who shifts at the touch. Oh yes. He doesn’t like it. He sits up, trying to wipe his tears away with his pyjama’s sleeves, sniffing still.

Oikawa is at a loss at what more to say. He wonders if Ushijima knows what his wife used to tell his son. It does explain much though, the things she said and Tobio’s behaviour. Trying to be as good as possible. Don’t demand. Don’t cry. Don’t talk back. Don’t say a word. Oikawa cringes when he thinks about the last thing that comes to his mind. Don’t trouble me. Don’t breathe. He wonders if that’s what Tobio’s mother thought. Vile. Gross. It’s for the best she is not around anymore.

“...Is Dad sad that Mum is gone?”

Oikawa turns his head to Tobio and stares at him, at the silhouette he can make out, at least. He opens his mouth but closes it right back again. He doesn’t know what Ushijima thinks but he does know that as for himself, he’s glad she’s gone.

“Are _you_ sad?” Oikawa asks and sees the boy tense up again. He takes a good time to reply, body unmoving and back straight, possibly lips pressed against each other as he lowers his head.

“S-She is my mum… so I…”

“I don’t want to hear what you _have_ to say. I want to hear what you want to say. Anything. I promise I won’t tell anyone so you don’t have to worry.”

Tobio shakes his head and at first Oikawa thinks he is reluctant to tell him his honest thoughts - until he realizes that’s Tobio’s reply.

“...I think… she… left because I wasn’t good and…”

“You weren’t good?”

“...I cried a lot because I wanted to see Dad and wanted to stay up to see him so she yelled at me lots… I… think Mum didn’t like me anymore… so she left…”

So he’s giving himself the fault for his mother leaving. Feeling bad because of that but most of everything, he feels bad about not being sad she is gone. Oikawa feels sick at the thought of a small child like this even understanding the notion of guilt.

“I think if your dad knew what your mum kept telling you, he would definitely not be sad about her leaving. Like you, I am sure he blames himself for her leaving. Since he was never there and all. At least that’s what your dad would seem to think.”

Tobio nods but as before, he seems to bottle up something else. Except this time he doesn’t curl up again. He crawls out of the blanket over to Oikawa and into his lap. He freezes at first because never before in this entire year, Tobio had even considered getting close to him if he didn’t need to. More even, tiny arms wrap around him and even tinier hands hold onto the fabric of his shirt as if he is afraid Oikawa will leave. Afraid that everyone will leave him. Like his mum did, like his dad who is never there and comes back so sporadically that he never knows whether he will stay gone or come home. Oikawa pitied Tobio a lot when he first heard Ushijima’s request. What a poor child. But seeing it like this, he feels upset on Tobio’s behalf. On a child who, until now, hasn’t properly been a child yet but bothered with grown-up problems.

He leans his cheeks on the top of Tobio’s head and embraces him, pulling him a little closer. This time, he doesn’t move away nor seems reluctant - Tobio actually squeezes him. Oikawa feels so warm inside, he has - oddly enough - never felt more at ease and content than now.

He had early on stopped thinking about having a family. For career purposes, supposedly although there was one more thing lingering around his mind, one that bites at him still but he decides not to indulge himself in it. A family with children, maybe a pet or two, a house and a stable life. He can’t remember if he ever imagined himself in such a life properly.

“I really want to see Dad…” Tobio whispers softly, small hands burying into his shirt. He is crying again but this time, Oikawa lets him. He doesn’t try to be quiet anymore and he keeps repeating the same words over and over again as Oikawa rubs his back gently. Not to calm him down but to show him that it’s fine like this. A thousand and billion times better than penning up the feelings he has. He listens to Tobio crying himself to sleep like this and realizes belatedly, he never asked him about his present. Never considered Tobio to be crying like this. And he wonders what in the world triggered it like this as he lays him back down in his bed again and pulls the blanket over him, stuffing Vee next to him. That ugly thing. He leaves the room quietly and tiptoes back into the living room to see the second surprise waiting.

Ushijima sits on the sofa, turning his head to Oikawa as soon as he approaches. “Good evening.”

Oikawa raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms in front of his chest. “...Yeah, welcome back. Aren’t you stiff today.”

Ushijima looks at him in confusion but Oikawa decides not to lay out his words to him. Who greets someone with ‘good evening’ unless they were colleagues or strangers? Talk about old-fashioned. He sighs and shakes his head. “Whatever. I see you are back in time. I was worried you wouldn’t be here for Tobio’s birthday. Didn’t know it was tomorrow already.”

Ushijima nods but doesn’t elaborate it. Doesn’t seem too talkative today. Oikawa doesn’t remember when he has been hired as the family psychologist but he seemingly fills that role too now. What joy for Christmas time. Another sigh, much deeper than the one before as he sits down on the armrest of the sofa. “I was planning on going around asking the neighbour children to come over tomorrow. Or would you rather celebrate it only with him? Though children’s birthdays are always a blast for the tiny rats, they love the sort of thing. What have you usually done for his birthdays?”

Ushijima keeps quiet, folding his hands in his lap and staring at them. They are incredibly interesting, judging from how focused he is on them. Oikawa means to snap at him but Ushijima replies last minute. “I don’t know.”

Now it’s Oikawa who is confused. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“...That I don’t know what she usually did for his birthday,” he repeats quietly but uncharacteristically meek.

Oikawa takes a little to process what Ushijima is implying and starts realizing why he had no idea when Tobio’s birthday was. Because Ushijima didn’t take a day off for that. Not a day off training. Not in the last four years although in the last year, Oikawa only knows he’s been there because Iwaizumi told him so. Around this time, Oikawa had still been in the hospital although recovering already. Around this time, Ushijima had visited him. A week later, he started working here. It’s surreal. Too surreal. Too out of character.

Oikawa closes his eyes, another deep breath but this time he doesn’t have to be careful because there isn't the possibility of hurting a child. “You… are telling me you have never celebrated Tobio’s birthday with him?”

Ushijima doesn’t move, gaze still directed at his hands, doesn’t reply. Oikawa lifts his hands to his face and, unwillingly, lets out a hollow laugh.

“Do you want to know what this child told me just now? Not even minutes ago? Do you want to hear it?” he hisses between his teeth, and it becomes clearer to him now. The possibility of Ushijima avoiding his son isn’t as absurd as he thought. It is too very likely at this point. It was just training in winter. Nothing highly important so he wouldn’t be able to take a day off. Coming home late at night when the child is already sleeping and leaving early in the morning before he goes to kindergarten, just rarely taking days off in between to simply laze around and do nothing, maybe just watch the damn rat run around the house aimlessly.

Ushijima lifts his head with a puzzled expression and Oikawa can’t believe he dares looking as if he doesn’t understand. He would have never thought Ushijima Wakatoshi, The Ace, Mr. Perfect, The Indomitable, would be able to fuck up this much in his life. He would have never thought he would be as cowardly as this. Never.

He stands up, legs feeling oddly weak but he doesn’t allow himself this weakness now, and glares at Ushijima. “He was _crying_. And he wasn’t just crying, he was trying not to make any sound and when he heard me, he kept his goddamn breath so I wouldn’t hear him cry. When I asked him what the matter was, he told me about your lovely ex-wife. Do you want to know what she taught him to do? She said it would trouble her if she saw him crying over such a _small thing_ as missing you.”

Ushijima looks genuinely shocked when he hears those words but Oikawa doesn’t bother stopping when he just got started. “She told him if he cried too much, you would leave him. He thinks it is his fault that she up and left because he cried too much. _He is five, Ushijima._ ”

Oikawa doesn’t remember ever using Ushijima’s name properly and fully like this but he is past caring about this sort of thing. Upset is not even a word for what he feels like - and it is not even his goddamn child. “Children at this age shouldn’t even know what trouble and guilt are. They shouldn’t feel responsible for a family breaking apart. And while your ex-wife was despicable, he is your responsibility too. You shouldn’t let something like this happen to your child. Do you have an idea how much he loves you? He adores you! You are his hero! You are the person he wants to be when he grows up! He doesn’t want to go to sleep because he wants to talk to you, he asks me about volleyball every day, he makes me tell him about old matches we played rather than go out with his friends and talk about whatever thing children these days talk about! He’d much rather play with that gross mascot sort of thing which is absolutely ugly rather than pick up other toys he has _just because it was a present from you_. He behaves and is a good kid just for the sake of not upsetting you, so you would be proud of him too when you are back! He is afraid you will eventually just not come back at all and that it might be his fault too!”

Oikawa feels exhausted, gesturing around wildly as he spoke, almost forgetting to breathe, he hasn’t even as much as noticed Ushijima’s reactions. But he does now. And it terrifies him.

Never before has he seen Ushijima weak before. Even when they lost a match he would proudly keep face, however he did that, and use the pain to strengthen himself. Oikawa does remember him looking hurt once - and that was when he told Ushijima he wouldn’t be able to play anymore because of his injury. But never weak. Never crumbling. Never as if when you’d touch him he’d just fall apart. He does now and it is positively one of the most painful things Oikawa has experienced - for the second time on the same day, not even half an hour apart. He feels like his heart needs a break but it isn’t allowed. Not yet.

Hands clutched together, nails digging into his skin, Ushijima looks back to the floor and this is something Oikawa has never imagined looking at. He remembers in high school times wanting to see a distressed and humiliated Ushijima, one he could laugh at, one he could ridicule to his heart’s content. But what he sees now is simply heart-wrenching. A man broken by none other than himself. Pitiful. It’s a word Oikawa never associated with Ushijima before. But now he does.

“Listen, I don’t know what your reasons for your behaviour are. I know I shouldn’t meddle like this,” Oikawa says, much calmer than before, arms crossed once more, and the next words come out too automatically for his liking, “but I can’t watch Tobio be wrecked like this. He’s a just a child. He’s the most innocent but sees himself as the most guilty. And you have to take this from him. I can’t do it. He can’t do it. _You_ have to. You have to show him you are there, you have to show him you won’t leave and that even when you are apart, you still think about him, that you will come back no matter what. It might seem trivial to you but he needs to hear that. He needs to know he won’t be left alone. If you care an ounce about him - and I truly believe you do - you have to show him.”

Silence falls over them when Oikawa stops talking. He expected at least a reply. At least a yes or no or whatever. He didn’t think Ushijima would keep quiet like this. Oikawa never wished for anything more than seeing faults in Ushijima. Faults he could use for his advantage. But at this point, it is faults he would like Ushijima to see and to fix. For his own sake but especially for Tobio’s. He turns away to leave Ushijima alone for the time being, perhaps to digest the words thrown at him. In any other occasion he would have probably at least tried to make a comment or two but right now, Oikawa doesn’t feel like it at all.

But then, Ushijima starts to talk. Voice low but wavering, breaking in between sometimes. Oikawa decides to listen; he has talked enough for now and he figures Ushijima has never actually told anyone about this before. About how he married at the age of 20, roughly a year and a bit after high school graduation. Not because he loved the girl so much but because he had been forced to by his parents. And this suddenly made a lot more sense to Oikawa than an Ushijima blindly in love marrying a girl at young age. He had told his parents he had no plans to have a family, planning a career as a professional athlete rather than taking over family business. Being an only child and saying this sort of thing, they cornered him, threatened him not to pay his expenses in his beginner years if he didn’t at least agree to marry the neighbour’s daughter with a rather large family herself which could help out Ushijima’s family too. No wonder she seemed like the wicked stepmother when the entire story sounds like a fairy tale but Oikawa doesn’t interrupt Ushijima in his rambling as he clenches his hands and goes on.

From the second he saw her, he felt no attraction to her but he heard love could evolve over time. He agreed, for his career’s sake more than anything, but didn’t want to fail as a husband either. He couldn’t spend much time with her but tried to at least make her life worthwhile, as much as he could. Love didn’t quite want to kick in, not even when he heard a year later about his wife’s pregnancy. He tells Oikawa he never imagined himself being a father, that he was scared when he heard about it. He could barely handle a wife, let alone taking care of a child at that. He could only handle one role at once to perfection, he says and Oikawa grins because this finally sounds more like the Ushijima he has gotten to know.

“When Tobio was born, right after he got home, I spent days and days just holding him and looking at him,” Ushijima says and wears a look so fond in his eyes that Oikawa’s heart skips a beat at it, “I was fascinated by how small and warm he was, by how much he made me forget about the time around me. So much I accidentally skipped training. It was the first and last time I did it but it oddly didn’t feel wrong. I considered quitting a lot, thinking that perhaps family life was more suited for me after all. I had my parents’ words in my ears telling me that I could be an athlete only for so long before my bones and muscles would give in. And this made me think and consider… to work for as long as my body would allow me.”

“...But it never came to betray you, huh?” Oikawa retorts bitterly and he feels it is unfair to leash out on him now but it is also pretty unfair, much in his eyes, that Ushijima set his limit whereas he never wanted to have one. But the one struck by injury had not been Ushijima. Irony.

“...I’m sorry,” he says, lowering his head back again.

“It’s alright, it’s not like it’s your fault. We all have our limits and I don’t wish you to exceed yours like I did. I’d rather you quit because you feel like your body grows weaker and not when it hits you,” Oikawa hums and he would have never thought to say this in his younger years. Youth certainly makes one stupid. “...I’m surprised though. You sound so incredibly fond now but you distance yourself willingly from him. This is beyond being unable to show your love properly, Ushiwaka.”

Ushijima nods and a wry smile embellishes his face. “Because I didn’t love my wife. I felt guilty because I didn’t care about her. I wanted to be a good husband but I couldn’t. I failed her. How would I possibly be a good father like this? How would I offer Tobio the family he deserves? Not only that. But in my free time I spent at home, I realized I grew... “

Ushijima stops talking and Oikawa is reminded of a moment not too much ago. Like a deja-vu, the words drip over his lips.

“I don’t want to hear what you _have_ to say. I want to hear what you want to say. There is no disgrace in your own house.” God, how alike can a son be to his father? A carbon copy of him in his behaviour. It would be more entertaining and endearing if it wasn’t their definition of guilt they shared.

There is another slight nod and it is obviously effort for Ushijima to speak but he says what Oikawa has expected him to.

“I hated her. She was not the one I wanted by my side. This was not a relationship I chose, I was forced into it as was she. It was an incredibly hard feeling to suppress. Tobio is not the one I meant to avoid; she was.”

“There it is,” Oikawa says and smiles, remembering how Tobio spoke about her. He wasn’t sad about her being gone, and neither seems to be Ushijima. What a success.

“I never considered her a bad person nor a bad wife. And I am certain that with another man, she might have not treated her child as she treated Tobio. As he was for me, he must have been for her, just the target of her feelings towards me. He was the only thing that linked us. The only one innocent, as you said, yet the one in the middle,” and following this comes a dry and short laugh out of Ushijima’s throat, entirely hollow and void of emotions very unlike the tears running down his cheeks. “I’m… God, I’m so sorry…”

Oikawa presses his lips together and walks back towards Ushijima, sinking down onto the couch. High school Oikawa would rejoice at Ushijima’s tears, probably laughing at him even. Man, what a prick high school Oikawa was. Instead of laughing, Oikawa opts to wrap an arm around Ushijima’s waist, pulling and snuggling himself closer to him and leaning his head against his shoulder.

“You know, you shouldn’t apologize to me. I’m not the one you have wronged. ...Okay, you have wronged me a lot in high school but we don’t talk about that right now,” he buzzes and realizes he might not be as much over past defeats as he thinks. “You know, make it up by granting the boy a really great birthday tomorrow. Not with many presents or whatever. Play with him. Tell him about matches. He loves hearing about that, trust me. Tell him about all the places you’ve seen. And when you are tired you can call his friends over. If he prefers playing with you, just tell him you will be the day after still. But please, do me a favour, no more gross volleyball plushies. Please.”

Ushijima doesn’t reply. He keeps on silently crying, a sob here and there but nothing more. Years passed without Oikawa ever having seen Ushijima cry as much as this, he tries to recall whether he ever did. Now Oikawa sits there next to him, gently patting Ushijima’s side and occasionally rubbing his cheek against his shoulder to help him calm down. He doesn’t notice small footsteps approaching them before he hears a thin voice calling out.

“Dad?”

Both Oikawa and Ushijima look up to see Tobio standing in the hallway in his pyjama - and there are tiny green and blue aliens on it, Oikawa must say this is his favourite pyjama for Tobio to wear - holding Vee on one hand and rubbing his eyes with the other. He must have woken up earlier, Oikawa thinks, he had probably been too loud. Whoops. As he sees his father sitting on the couch, he takes up speed and climbs on the sofa with an athletic skill that Oikawa is sure he will be great one day albeit not very graceful. Vee drops to the side of the sofa, almost forgotten, as Tobio slides into Ushijima’s lap and slings his arms around him. “Welcome home.”

It is just a split second that Ushijima looks at Oikawa - and he looks distraught as if he doesn’t know what to do. As if he wants to hide that he’s crying, eyes red and puffed up. Oikawa could write a book about family similarities and use them as a field study example. If he ever considered becoming a professor of Genetics which he doesn’t but, in theory, it is good to know he has the source material. You never know. He never thought he’d be a nanny either. “You know what to do,” Oikawa whispers without letting go of Ushijima whose arms wrap around Tobio with an awful lot of care. Perhaps a little too careful, even.

“It’s good to be home,” Ushijima replies softly, partially because his voice has lost its usual force due to crying but mostly because it is Tobio he talks to, Tobio who is the reason that Ushijima’s eyes show tenderness, that he touches with care and speaks with affection.

The boy wriggles out of his father’s embrace to kneel up, both of his hands jolting up onto Ushijima’s cheeks and rubbing the tears off. “Don’t worry, Dad. It’s okay to cry. Otherwise you will explode and it takes a thousand and a billion years to put you back together. Oikawa-san told me so,” he explains, hands still resting on Ushijima’s cheeks. There is a snort in response. What a rare occasion, Oikawa thinks as he buries his in Ushijima's shoulder. It’s good to be home, Ushijima said. Oikawa is sure he would be happy if this was his home too. He would easily be able to say that sort of thing. Though for that, he would need to be a part of the family, a part of ‘home’. Absurd. He looks up at them, Tobio at his most affectionate, Ushijima simply leaning his forehead against his son's and smiling in a way Oikawa never deemed it to be possible. 

“‘Oikawa-san’? Tobio, it’s been, like, forever since I’ve been working here.” He clicks his tongue and nestles closer to Ushijima to ruffle Tobio’s hair - to spite him, this time. The reaction is golden; he hisses and wrinkles his nose, shuffling closer to Ushijima who, very not surprisingly, wraps his arms around him protectively. Cute.

“About a year now, hasn’t it?” he says as Tobio sits back down, leaning against his father’s chest. Ushijima sure looks natural with Tobio in his arms. Being a father suits him at least appearance-wise very perfectly already but it will soon be perfect in all aspects, of that Oikawa will take care. ...His thoughts start going haywire.

“Yeah and your son still calls me ‘Oikawa-san’. Like you said ‘Good evening’ earlier. Who even does that? We know each other for, like, forever.”

“...Surely quite a long time, yes.”

“See? So don’t ‘good evening’ me. And you, _Tobio-chan_ ,” and he gets the expected reaction of a shudder and a displeased look on the kid’s face as if he bit into a lemon, “have the big honour of calling me Tooru. It’s shorter anyway and since you’re just a bratty kid, it’s fine.”

Tobio looks at him, seemingly contemplating whether he likes the alternative with pensive furrowing of his eyebrows. “Tooru-san?”

Oikawa’s heart most definitely didn’t skip a beat, he is not lame and sentimental after all. “Ah, perfect. See, much better, right?”

Tobio nods and looks with big eyes at Oikawa. “Does Dad also call you Tooru? Since you know each other for long, right?”

So this is the awkward ‘I have a child and it keeps asking these weird questions I can’t reply without embarrassing myself’ situation some of his friends with children have talked about. They are definitely _very_ awkward and incredibly difficult to overcome.

“Well, no.”

“Why?”

Damn. Outsmarted by a 5-year old. Good going, _Tooru_. He suddenly regrets the suggestion. He struggles finding a better answer than ‘because’; in Tobio theory it makes perfect sense that since he knows him for a year and is allowed to call him that but his father for a lot longer, it would be absolutely natural for Ushijima to also call him Tooru. It actually makes so perfectly much sense Oikawa is inclined to go along with it until Ushijima speaks up calmly.

“Calling someone by their first name is reserved for people special to them, Tobio. It is less about how long you have known each other but more about the bond you have.”

Yes, Ushijima is definitely a great father. Absolutely. He just needs to be in his natural habitat for longer to fully unfold his potential.

“Hmm,” Tobio nods, “special? Like family?”

“Family, or perhaps a friend who feels like family to you. As well as lovers.”

“Then Shouyou is my friend and Tooru-san,” Tobio turns his head to Oikawa who flinches, “are you family? Because you are not like Shouyou.”

A laugh wriggles out of Oikawa’s throat. What in the world is he going to reply? No, jeez, I am your best friend. That would be depressing. But why? Why? He knows exactly why. Saying he is part of his family would imply… something Oikawa would rather not think about. He has long given up on this sort of hope. It is easy to get carried away in this environment. In _his_ environment. Suddenly, sitting so close to Ushijima makes Oikawa uncomfortable so he sits up, back straightened. Their eyes meet - what an unfortunate time for this - but Oikawa averts his eyes right away. 

“That’s yours to choose, Tobio,” he hums, trying to seem as unfazed as possible by the wave of suppressed emotions he bottled up. It makes him wonder; if he would explode, who would take the many many years to put him back together? God, is he terrible at keeping his own advice.

He had early on stopped thinking about having a family. For career purposes, supposedly although--- although there was another reason. It was knowing he has a person he loves. Knowing the person his love is in a relationship. Knowing the person is married, even. Knowing the person has a child - a family already. Knowing this was barely just one of his stupid crushes but something so severe that years entire he didn’t forget about this person. How, when they were around the whole time? Oikawa almost managed to forget about it, burying it so deep it would never surface again. But this is how a family with Ushijima would look like, with the person he has given up on so long ago, and he hates the fact that he yearns for it. He hates the fact that it is in his reach, it is so tangible yet it is miles away. If he lets himself think for even a second that this is his home, his family, he will succumb. It isn’t. This is just a job. He realizes not even half an hour later, Tobio asleep sprawled on both his and Ushijima's laps, latter resting against him quietly on the verge of falling asleep that nothing in the entire world has ever felt more like home than this - and nothing ever will.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oikawa get your fucking head out of your ass, i can't believe the self-pity he bathes himself in. he keeps on calling ushijima and tobio dense but you know who's the real dense idiot here? yeah. YEAH. GOOD. also i kinda. want to redeem ushi's wife. somehow. maybe in another chapter HMMM i also just want ushioi to kiss i really just


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update today! 
> 
> originally chapter 3 and 4 were one chapter but. they are together worth 10k words, i sure as hell don't want to make you read that much at once. this particular chapter has absolutely more baby tob + oikawa interaction so i felt a bit odd uploading it by itself but i really enjoy writing them. oikawa is a tease even with a 5-year old child. what a CHILD.
> 
> also shoutout to my twitter bromigos for helping me with the superhero names bc they are wonderfully lame

Oikawa flexes his fingers but they are frozen stiff. He grimaces and raises his hands to his face, blowing his breath on them in an attempt to thaw the blocks of ice that had replaced his fingers on the way here but to no avail. The idea of going on a festival is one he loves but not in winter. Summer festivals are more his sort of thing. But he couldn’t bear breaking his promise of going to a shrine festival with Tobio and since Ushijima had taken more time off lately, he agreed to join them. “...How could I have forgotten my gloves…”

“Did you? But you told me and Dad to take ours with us,” Tobio says, his words sounding a little too nasal for Oikawa’s liking. He hasn’t gotten sick, has he? Maybe he should have dressed Tobio a little warmer after all, another scarf around the blue-grey checkered one he already wears. And maybe another shirt beneath his woolen pullover. 

“I thought I had mine in my pockets so I didn’t bother checking. Ah well, what can you do. The takoyaki Ushiwaka will bring along better be really good. ...Where is he, anyway? It’s been almost 15 minutes by now.” It seems to be a very well visited festival, huh. At least both him and Tobio found a bench to sit on and wait for Ushijima. Standing would have been even more of a bother.

“Do you want my gloves?” Tobio is about to pull the white mittens off his small hands when Oikawa pinches his cheek. Warm. They are warm. Phew. 

“Don’t be stupid, they aren’t going to fit on my hands. Either way I wouldn’t have taken them or your hands would fall off!” he says, his voice containing far more drama than it needs. 

Tobio murmurs something into his scarf, something that are just tiny grumbles to Oikawa, as he slides in a bit closer and grasps one of Oikawa’s hands in both of his. “They are so big!” he starts and Oikawa is about to crack a grin but then Tobio continues with a pondering face. “But not bigger than Dad’s hands….”

“They aren’t that much smaller,” is the first thing slipping out of Oikawa’s mouth defensively. As if he needs to stress that Ushijima and him aren’t that far apart. He is definitely not inferior to him. But it’s true what Tobio says. Oikawa hasn’t had many occasions to compare their hand sizes but the times he remembers looking at Ushijima’s hands he is certain they seemed a tad bigger than his own. Comfortably so. Probably. Not like he feels the need to try. Probably.

He wiggles his fingers - they still feel sort of numb - and snickers. “Just wait a few more years and I bet your hands will be as big as these ones, too.”

Tobio looks up in disbelief, eyebrows furrowed but there is a spark in his eyes that Oikawa has seen seldom on the boy’s face. Something like a challenge accepted of some sort. A true athlete’s spirit. “Really? That would be so cool…”

His small hands squeeze Oikawa’s, looking back down as he clumsily grabs one of his fingers with the mittens on. 

“What are you doing, Tobio.”

“Warm-up for your hands! Stretching is good, right?”

A true athlete’s spirit. Oikawa doesn’t know whether to be amazed and truly proud or amazed and truly shocked. It’s probably a good mix of both though he feels like the pride might prevail. He snorts at Tobio’s meager attempts to even grab his fingers properly. “So you did listen.”

“I wanna be like you and Dad later so I am always listening!” he says with conviction and Oikawa is trying to keep his grin hidden. For a little, often quite cheeky brat, Tobio is far too cute right now. The murmurs keep going and Oikawa is too amused to stop listening. “Mmmm… this is hard with these on…” 

“Your hands will fall off if you take the mittens off.” This is a blatant lie, of course, but it does seem to scare Tobio quite a bit. His sour expression is golden and Oikawa admits he doesn’t behave very maturely at this point but it’s too much fun seeing Tobio struggle. He shouldn’t enjoy it but supposedly - so he tries to justify it to himself - it only makes the boy stronger. And he doesn’t seem to understand that Oikawa is teasing him anyway. 

“But I need my hands…”

“Then don’t take the mittens off. They’ll go cold and when the wind blows - whoosh - it will take your hands along with it.”

Tobio’s movement stops and Oikawa can see a pout forming. “I have to keep your hands safe, then! Or the wind will take yours away!” 

“Oh, Tobio… I am moved but don’t worry about mine, I don’t need them as much as you need yours anymore.” Did he sound bitter? Tobio looks up with a puzzled expression and Oikawa knows that if he has to explain what he just said, it would end up in a mess. He talks to a 5-year old, he reminds himself. How did this shift from teasing a kid to being unnecessarily serious. 

“But if you don’t have your hands anymore, you can’t make pork curry anymore.” He talks to a 5-year old, Oikawa reminds himself once more. Thankfully. “I like the pork curry you make.”

“You really like pork curry, that’s all. I could ask Yachi-chan to make you some.”

Tobio shakes his head. “Yours tastes better. I like yours the best.”

There is a huge crowd of people moving past them and they are loud enough for Oikawa to have an excuse for why he doesn’t reply right away. ‘You wouldn’t have heard, Tobio-chan’ he will say if the boy asks. 

Pork curry was the first thing Tobio had ever asked him to make and he remembers his first attempt was so terrible, he swore he would just buy the instant stuff from the convenience store down the street. But when he was over at the store, he ended up buying the ingredients he recalled needing and called Iwaizumi just to be yelled at because ‘every dimwit can cut a few ingredients and toss them onto the stove to make decent curry, what the actual hell’ and then it turned out okay enough to eat, at least. It was the first time he had seen Tobio smile over something, back when he finished his plate. 

It’s just a job. It’s not your home. It’s not your kid and not your house and not your place to stay. It’s fine like this. Tobio will surely enjoy any sort of pork curry as long as he gets used to it. 

“Wait until I tell Iwa-chan, he’s going to be so mad,” he giggles and suddenly, his hands don’t feel as numb anymore. “He kept telling me I was a good-for-nothing in the kitchen! Isn’t this really rude?!”

“I like your food. It’s tasty,” Tobio replies and sits back properly, hands in mittens folded in his lap, his legs swinging up and down because they are not long enough to reach the ground yet. “I could eat it every day, my whoooooole life!” 

“Tobio, don’t be silly.”

“...Does this mean you will leave someday?” Tobio’s voice sounds meek as he says those words. It hurts to hear him speaking like that. He’s not your son, Tooru. Don’t get into this too much. But it’s hard. It’s hard when he remembers that this kid, as small and young he is, as awkward and not very clever sometimes, he knows what being lonely means. He knows what being abandoned means. Oikawa purses his lips at the thought. 

“I might have to, you know,” he says and rubs his hands together. He has thought about this a lot lately. About leaving even if Ushijima doesn’t find someone else. For his own sake. “If your dad finds another person he really likes, he will introduce them to you and they will make you food and take care of you and all the things I am doing right now.”

“But what if I don’t like their pork curry?”

Oikawa turns his face to stare at Tobio. “Is that your test whether you like or dislike someone? ...Tobio.” That is unexpectedly narrow-minded. ...Okay, not unexpectedly but he didn’t think that was something that qualified a person’s right to stay for Tobio. Pork curry. Amazing. 

“No but… what if I don’t like the food they make? Or the stories they tell me before I go to sleep? Or the pyjamas they make me wear? Or the toys they make me play with?” There it is. The Tobio Pout. There is a specific way of puckering your lips in order to manage that sort of pout. Or perhaps, and that seems more likely, this is a given extra to Tobio’s usually frowning face. He has it easy. 

“You don’t strike me as someone very picky. Except when it’s about vegetables. Listen, if you want to be an athlete, you gotta suck it up, you hear me? Veggies are healthy.” Way to change the subject. 

“But eggplants are gross,” he says and wrinkles his nose.

“We will talk about this in a few years. You will _love_ them. They are good for your heart and they make your brain function better. Not to say they are helpful when trying to keep in shape.”

“Eggplants are still blergh. I don’t like them.” Tobio sticks out his tongue and his pout intensifies on a whole new level. It might as well stick as his default expression if he keeps up like that. “...What if that new person Dad likes, makes only food with eggplants?”

“Tobio. Are you being overdramatic now? ...Wait, do you have that from me, listen, stop that right away.”

“...I don’t want Dad to like someone else if you have to go then.”

“That’s selfish.”

“But I don’t wanna.”

Tobio puffs out his cheeks and while Oikawa is relieved he behaves as he does - like a child should behave, in fact, because they are bratty and should be at this young age - he is mildly irritated. Not by Tobio, not by what he said but by himself for being happy about hearing Tobio tell him something like this. That he wants him to stay. “That’s not your choice to make, unfortunately. Although I doubt Ushiwaka would ignore what you say. If you really don’t like that new person, he would probably consider you more than them. You’re his son, after all.”

“And if I like someone he likes?”

“That’s good, isn’t it? That would be perfect, it would be easy for you and for him to get used to everything.”

“Then can’t Dad just like you? Then you don’t need to leave, right? You would get to stay forever… right?” 

“Tobio, that’s---”

A figure steps closer to them and Oikawa shuts his lips right away as he realizes Ushijima is back with three portions of takoyaki, one for each of them, juggling them slightly as they seem to be hot. He jolts up and takes two of them out of his hands. “Took you long enough, we were starving.”

“I’m sorry,” Ushijima says, nodding slightly as a gesture of thanks towards Oikawa and god damn it, these are really hot, he didn’t even have to worry the slightest about cold hands in hindsight. He should probably not hand it to Tobio directly or he might burn his hands. “The queue was incredible. I didn’t expect it to be this long.”

“At least that means the takoyaki must be superb. ...It better is.” 

Ushijima sinks onto the bench next to Tobio, the boy sitting between the two of them and Oikawa wonders if Ushijima overheard anything of what Tobio said earlier. What if he did? He would only know Tobio doesn’t want him to leave. And if he didn’t, it’s just as fine. 

“Can I have takoyaki too?”

Tobio looks expectantly at Oikawa. His nose has gone all red from the cold as are his puffy cheeks. The pout is gone though. What a relief. He is sort of single-minded, cheering up at the prospect of food. “They are really hot, Tobio, you will burn your fingers.”

“I’m wearing mittens!”

It can’t be. Ushijima absolutely did not snort at Tobio outwitting Oikawa, he absolutely imagined that but the slight smirk on the other’s face is still very visible. “You will burn your tongue on them if you don’t let them cool off a little,” he says, irritatingly calm in Oikawa’s opinion. 

“But won’t Oikawa-san’s hands burn too, then?”

“Tooru, Tobio. And no, they won’t burn because they are heat-resistant. My hands are like frying pans, they don’t burn, they just get really warm. Like Microwave Safe, you know.”

Lately, Tobio has been talking much to the other children in the apartment complex. Namely the tiny whirlwind called Shouyou from next door who has been pestering ever since Oikawa started working for Ushijima. Then, not much later, another child called Tadashi moved in with his mothers, a sweet couple of two young women that Oikawa appreciates having around. And then as of late, there was this kid called Kei, moved in with his older brother for whatever reason - Oikawa has yet to find out - who was trying too hard to be really cool when in fact he liked sweets and dinosaurs. Or so Tobio said. He talks a lot about them and he has started getting into the same things as them. 

Little surprise it is then that Tobio’s eyes sparkle brighter than the lights of the festival shine at Oikawa’s words. “That’s so cool! I want to be Microwave Safe too!”

“Microwave Safe?” Ushijima’s face is filled with questions and somehow, Oikawa can’t even blame him. The name is so incredibly stupid that it takes imagination to come up with it for a superhero, of all people. He didn’t get what Tobio had been speaking about either when he first spoke about Microwave Safe, Electron Lad, Tidy Tide and Snowcone until Shouyou was over the next day and explained Hero Squad to him, a very popular superhero anime airing. How could Ushijima know about that? 

“Ah, isn’t this the heat-resistant guy in the red outfit? The one Shouyou always gets to play?”

“Yeah…” Tobio’s pout is back on his face as he grumbles ahead. “That’s so unfair, he always gets to be Microwave Safe.”

“Fire isn’t that cool anyway. People like Iwa-chan always make Fire look the coolest type but trust me, Water is so much better. I always took the Water starter in Pokémon and handed Iwa-chan’s ass to him,” 

“Did you? I always took the Grass starter,” Ushijima enters the discussion back again and Oikawa is left staring at him. This guy didn’t play Pokémon, did he? No way, he can’t imagine Ushijima sitting in his room playing Pokémon instead of training. Unreal. “I didn’t like the Water and Fire starters much.”

“What the hell, the Water starters were the coolest, you watch me and my Blastoise, Ushiwaka!”

“Grass has an advantage over Water?”

So factual again that Oikawa can’t even properly be angry but he takes up the challenge right away. “Oh, you did _not_ start this battle with me. Listen, I am going to pulverize you, Water Pokémon are the absolutely best and I will make you say that once you’ve lost.”

Tobio seems lost, looking from his father over to Oikawa, the question marks adding to his face with every word spoken. “I like Pikachu. It looks like a bunny,” he says suddenly and as if that wasn’t lethal enough, “I like bunnies. They are cute.”

Oikawa remembers thinking that this child was the least cutest child he has ever met, with a rather sullen expression and distant behaviour, too quiet, too silent. A lot like his father. Too honest and too vocal with this honesty of his (he recalls Tobio once told him his clothes looked ugly on him because the colours were odd. Just like that, imagine!) but with the time there was so much more Tobio showed. A lot more things that made him an endearing child, bratty sometimes but still someone Oikawa feels like he wants to protect, no it feels like he would already protect him of no matter what. 

“I thought the same when I was younger,” Ushijima says and there is this smile on his face that makes sure nothing in Oikawa is numb any longer. He feels his stomach bubbling - it’s just because he is hungry - the tips of his fingers tingling - because he holds the hot takoyaki in his hands, still! - and realizes that he would like to hear more. About how Ushijima was like when he was younger, before they had known each other. Before his downfall happened. “Oh, we should probably eat the takoyaki or it will be too chewy.”

“Takoyaki!” Tobio lifts his hands into the air and Oikawa watches him clumsily try to pick up one of the takoyaki by grabbing the toothpick pinned into it. With mittens. His face takes every turn from confusion to fired up back to confusion and then to despair as one of them almost rolls off and onto the ground. “Aaaah... “

“Aren’t you taking this a bit too far?” Ushijima sounds like he is scolding but the smile is like stuck on his face as he taps Tobio’s shoulder and holds out one to him. The boy is quicker to inhale his food than Oikawa has ever seen. He sure does love it, shown on his face by a complacent smile. 

“‘Fis if fo taftieh.”

“Tobio, don’t speak with your mouth full.” As tender as Ushijima might be, as strict Oikawa plans on handling him. Not that his manners are bad but if he starts being too lenient now, who knows how the kid will behave. Like a brute. Like _Iwa-chan_ in the worst case.

The boy clasps his hands over his mouth and gulps the takoyaki down before speaking up again. “This is so tasty!” he repeats again and his eyes are glistening as he looks at his share in Oikawa’s hands. 

It doesn’t take long for them to finish, Tobio in the middle seemingly the most satisfied, much to Oikawa’s dismay. Or so he says but seeing the boy smile so much in one day in comparison to what he has seen weeks ago, in comparison to how he was half a year ago… he seems to be doing just fine. 

He giggles, suddenly and rubs his nose with his mittens. “I wish every day could be as fun as today.”

“Wait until you see me at the shooting stand, Tobio, I am going to shoot you every single plush bunny until your whole room is full of them,” Oikawa says and stands up excitedly, throwing his arms open to make a point, whatever point that is. Subconsciously trying to beat Ushijima again, probably, somewhere at the back of his mind. In order not to think about wanting every day to be like this one. “And Ushiwaka will carry every single one of the plush bunnies except for your favourite. Then you’ll finally have another favourite plush and not that ugly mascot.”

Tobio presses his lips together and furrows his eyebrows. “Vee isn’t ugly. You like him too! You have a Vee on your keys!”

“You do?” Ushijima raises an eyebrow. Oikawa’s dislike for Vee isn’t a secret, not even to Ushijima who is barely ever at home. He has never liked the mascot and while he does understand why Tobio loves Vee so much, _it is still aesthetically unpleasing_.

“It was a present and I don’t throw things away people gave me. Or do you, Tobio?” Ignoring Ushijima’s question might not be the wisest choice but he decides to save that for later. 

The boy shakes his head quickly. “That would be mean!”

“Right? That’s why I still have it. I wouldn’t have bought something as ugly as that in the first place,” Oikawa says, arms akimbo and avoiding looking at Ushijima in the meantime. Precaution, nothing else. His taste is absolutely terrible. 

Tobio grasps Oikawa’s hand as he stands up - the mittens feel really soft, he did a good job choosing these - and so does Ushijima, holding onto Tobio’s other hand. Doesn’t this feel a lot like in those family dramas where the kid brings the parents together? What a joke. It is an ugly feeling crawling up Oikawa’s back. 

It’s not your family, this is not a movie or a drama. You are just a replacement, this is just a job and it does not concern you. It shouldn’t concern him as much and for every other family, he would be very well able to distance himself from them. For every other family, he wouldn’t even have done this. Very likely. Because this isn’t about the money he gets or about the safety of a job, this is about---

“I don’t want to throw away Vee…. can I keep the bunny and Vee? Can I have two favourite plushies?” Tobio looks from Ushijima to Oikawa and oddly, as if it were a reflex, Oikawa lifts his head to look at Ushijima. As if he would be able to give a better reply. 

There is a reason Oikawa hasn’t thrown the keychain away. He got it back then, back at the same time as Ushijima bought Tobio’s Vee. It was an extra he got with the plush, he said back then, but he was afraid to give it to Tobio because it was too small and he could have swallowed it, possibly. It had been just a joke on Oikawa’s side when he said he would take it, his keys need some sort of decoration anyway. But Ushijima handed it to him, without even thinking about it twice. 

It was a lie. Oikawa does throw things away he gets as present if he doesn’t like them. Or gives them to someone else instead. Not because he is mean (or so he thinks) but rather because he feels like it would just drag him down to think about why he has gotten all these presents. To think about the person who has given him something so he would be happy about it. 

Of all presents, he should have thrown that keychain away the first. He knows he should have but he never had the heart to do it. He doesn’t even like the design. Not in the slightest. 

“Nothing keeps you from having two favourites,” Ushijima says, his eyes back on his son. “In cases like these, two favourites bring you more joy than just one.”

Tobio nods, and Oikawa is sure the boy didn’t understand what his father said fully but partially, he seems satisfied with the reply. He feels a light squeeze, a small tug at his hand as Tobio asks on. Oikawa doesn’t remember when they started walking, the pace slow but not entirely unpleasant, unfortunately. “Then I can have a favourite plushie from Dad and a favourite plushie from Oik--- Tooru-san, right?”

“Only if you like mine more.” It’s unreasonable to say that. Ushijima should scold him for trying to bribe his kid into something like this. But he doesn’t. 

“Can I like both the same?”

“Mmmm… well, I guess that would be okay-ish. I would probably accept that. Are you trying to bargain with me, Tobio?”

Tobio frowns. He doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of bargain. Naturally not. What 5-year old would understand bargain but then Oikawa is sure he hasn’t met a kid who knew the concept of guilt either. Not to that extent. 

“He is asking you whether you are making a deal with him.” Ushijima’s voice is so soft that Oikawa barely recognizes it. He could have sworn it was a random person they passed by saying that if he didn’t see Ushijima’s lips moving. 

“Oh. I see.” Tobio’s frown disappears right away and he nods, more to himself. “Mmmm, I love Dad so I also love what gives me. But it’s the same for Tooru-san. Is that a deal?”

“Tobio, don’t mix things up, this is not the same thing. I’m not your parent so this is not the same,” he says, voice hollow and void as is his mind. Precaution. His heart is racing but covered in splinters. He can’t allow himself to fall deeper than this. Enough.

“But it feels the same?”

Enough.

“Two favourites is better than one! So Dad and Tooru-san are my favourites!”

Enough. 

“Can it… just stay like this?”

“Enough.” Oikawa’s voice sounds but it is too quiet to be heard and although for a split second, Tobio reacts he turns his head to Ushijima right away as he speaks up. 

“No one said it wouldn’t,” he says and it’s such a simple thing. Too simple. As if it could stay as it is. Ushijima doesn’t seem to look for someone new but it will happen eventually. And then what? Does he expect him to stay? What did he expect out of this entire situation anyway? “Whoever your favourites are, it is very likely that nothing will change about that. No matter what happens.”

“Even if we aren’t together?”

“Even if we aren’t together.”

Tobio’s frown is plastered back on his face and there is the small squeeze again that wakes Oikawa up. It pulls him back from a place that is far darker than he ever wanted it to be. “But I want to be together with Dad and Tooru-san. It’s fun. It feels like family when we eat together and play together.”

He hasn’t realized when they pressed through the masses of people, he was too absorbed in thoughts to notice any of his surroundings but Oikawa can see the shooting stand and a huge, white and fluffy bunny plush with shiny golden eyes sits on the highest shelf, a small cardboard depicting this is the first prize stuck on it. 

It feels like family. It does. Isn’t it too cruel? He has all of this laid out in front of him, he doesn’t simply look at it but experiences it, being part of this family, being part of what he had always wanted. And it feels so natural that it makes him sick. He was the one who should have drawn a line but he ignored his own pleas. Like the keychain, he couldn’t simply throw it away. 

Oikawa squeezes the boy’s hand back and looks over to Ushijima. He should have told him. He had the chance to. Perhaps it would leave him, then. No matter what the result would be. If what he said was true, he would still be Tobio’s favourite. That would surely be nice. Being someone’s favourite person. 

With a puzzled expression, Ushijima reciprocates the gaze and there is something that feels oddly familiar to Oikawa. Not on Ushijima - but on himself. A sort of yearning. He probably confuses it. It is all too convenient that this feels like a family without the commitment of a marriage or a relationship.

Now that he thinks about it, it must be Ushijima’s ideal how things are right now. He can spend time with Tobio every now and then, he is able to play to his heart’s extent without needing to mind someone else’s feelings and time. And whenever he is gone, he can still be sure that someone is watching over Tobio, someone the kid likes and is attached to. Ideal. 

Though he knows this, though he keeps telling himself this, how comes he is unable to tear his eyes away from Ushijima looking at him just as he had always wished he would? His self-control is an absolute mess ever since he stopped playing volleyball. He has been able to suppress this sort of feeling for _years_. And now he barely manages to do it for a few hours. He used to spend much more time with Ushijima in the past and never fell into this sort of crisis (a lie, he did sometimes cry into his pillow at night but never a full-fledged crisis). _Why?_

“It truly does.” Ushijima’s reply feels heavy on Oikawa’s shoulders. It’s just that look in his eyes. He should have looked at Tobio while saying that, not at him. He doesn’t have a reason to say this sort of thing, to call him family. It should have been Tobio. 

It’s not your home, it’s not your family, it’s not your kid and most definitely your place is not by Ushijima’s side. It was easier, Oikawa recalls now, because Ushijima had been married. There was no chance for hopes. But now there is, not just chances, these are opportunities very much in his grasp. It’s terrifying. Yearning without hope suddenly seems more comfortable than this. More controllable than this. 

Oikawa stops in his tracks abruptly, Tobio and Ushijima following suit. “T-The shooting stand. Remember? There it is,” he says and he hates the way his voice is breaking as if he is walking on the thinnest ice ever measured. “That plush bunny is _mine._ ”

It is, indeed. After a sum of money spent Oikawa would rather not recall and arms full of plushies and weird toys to be distributed later to the other kids as well, they decided that going home would be the best option with this load of soft animals in their hands. Oikawa didn’t notice how late it had gotten until they arrive home and he turns on the TV, the evening news blaring in the background. 

Tobio seems happy enough about the fluffy, white bunny almost his size, refusing to let it go until he has difficulties getting his jacket off clutching onto the bunny. And brushing his teeth. And doing anything in general so Ushijima is the caretaker of the nameless bunny until Tobio hops into his bed, almost ripping the plush out of his father’s hands. 

“Do you want a good-night story or are you tired enough? Today you can even choose between the smooth tongue and incredible story teller Tooru,” Oikawa says, putting his best showy smile on, “or. Well, your dad. Whose voice is definitely fitting to read good-night stories because it is boring.”

“Boring? I wasn’t aware I sounded boring.” Oikawa is astonished at Ushijima’s iron heart. This has never changed about him at all. There is nothing that fazes him. He is so factual that anything outside the spectrum of his understanding seems illogical. He never even considered his voice was boring. Perhaps because it isn’t. It’s soothing and it’s low enough to be a perfect reader voice but like hell Oikawa is going to admit that. 

“If Dad is here with me, I will be too excited to sleep,” Tobio replies curling up under his blanket and pressing both the bunny and Vee who had been lonely all day at home closer to his chest. 

“...Are you telling me I am the boring one, Tobio.” He pinches Tobio’s nose who vehemently tries to fight Oikawa off. He does let go but more because he doesn’t want Ushijima to think he tortures a kid. Tobio wrinkles his nose and glares at Oikawa. 

“That was mean.”

“That’s how I am.”

“It seems like I lost today,” Ushijima says, completely unrelated to what Tobio and Oikawa were fighting about and bows over Tobio to press a kiss onto his forehead. “Good night.”

“G’night, Dad.” Complacent is not even a word to describe Tobio’s smile. Oikawa is certain he has never seen this kid happier not even after his birthday which was a blast. Of course because he had been the one to plan it with all kids over and a huge cake and lots of presents. But most likely it had been the day before that had worn both Tobio and Ushijima down so they enjoyed themselves maybe about 80%. 

Shudders run down Oikawa’s spine when Ushijima passes him by, touching his shoulder slightly. Only the tips of his fingers. This doesn’t mean much. This doesn’t mean _anything_. Leaning in and his voice is lower than usually even. “Do you want me to make some coffee or are you too tired?”

Splinter over splinter, how long had they been stuck in his heart? For a long enough time so that it has gone numb but it feels like he is bleeding out right here, right now. Is it because he knows about Ushijima’s worries? About what has happened in his family? Is it because of Tobio? Is it because he has a midlife crisis at twenty-fucking-seven years and wants a family so badly and shouldn’t it be the other way around, wanting to be a teenager again and doing bullshit instead of settling down? 

It is because there are too many opportunities. Too much that is going well. Things have never ever gone well for him so why should they now? Of all times, why now? Why in this very situation? Why would life be fair to him once? ...Implying it hadn’t been fair before but all of the things that seemed fair to him were destroyed eventually. Like the life keeps setting traps for him and if he indulges himself in them, he falls. And who pieces him back together then? 

He should say no. He should let this die. He should go to sleep right afterwards. He is tired, he is exhausted and he should throw that ugly keychain away. “Sure, why not. Coffee sounds good. I’ll come right away.”

“Alright.”

Oikawa listens to Ushijima’s footsteps until they walk down the stairs - until Tobio calls out to him and wakes him up. Again. “Tooru-san… I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I made you upset today, right?”

“What?” He feels like a broken record, given his mind feels plenty hazy. 

Tobio squirms under his blanket and tries to hold both Vee and the bunny in place, stuffing his face into the white plush fur. “You looked kind of weird when I said we feel like a family.”

‘Kind of weird.’ Amazing. Perhaps he is sharper than expected. 

“Don’t you like that? Family?”

Oikawa needs to think about what to say. He could pull off so many cards and he is sure Tobio would believe them. But his mouth runs before his mind does. “I didn’t expect this.”

“Huh?”

“Family. I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have one of my own. Not with a kid, at least. I sort of gave up on that.”

“Why?”

What did he expect Tobio to say? Of course he would ask. “I don’t know. I suppose I never pictured myself being a family person. I always had my priorities elsewhere.”

“Preeo…?” Tobio’s face is troubled at this point and there goes Oikawa’s mind thinking the child knows a word like priority. It’s hard to process how to speak to Tobio sometimes. 

“Ah. Pri-o-ri-ty. That means I thought other things were more important than family.”

“Oh. ...Like volleyball?”

“Yeah. I guess you could say I focused more on work than on anything else. But I liked it so I didn’t mind.”

“Oh. So you don’t like family, then.”

“I wouldn’t say I don’t like it. In fact, I am getting used to this a lot more than I’d like to. It’s a little scary.”

“I’m not scary.” Tobio sounds almost defensive as he says that. It makes Oikawa wonder if anyone ever told him he looked scary.

“No, you aren’t. A bit too stern sometimes but you are not the scary one. It’s the whole thing. It’s like suddenly your pork curry changed slowly and then you suddenly find eggplants in it! What a shock!” He should become an actor. He has a good face for that and his acting skills are superb. According to Oikawa himself, at least. A bit more training regarding his voice but other than that.

Tobio jolts and his face shows terror impersonated. “Waa! Scary!”

“See? Changes are scary.”

Tobio nods, understandingly, and looks up to Oikawa. “Does that mean family is like eggplants to you?”

“...No, I don’t hate it. I don’t hate being family at all. And that’s what’s so scary. But we shouldn’t be talking about this sort of thing. You will never sleep if this keeps on going. What story do you want me to tell you?”

The boy grumbles and shakes his head. “I’m tired.”

“...You little…” A sigh escapes Oikawa’s throat and he ruffles Tobio’s hair in frustration. He scrunches his nose and huffs but unusually, lets it happen without fighting back. Instead, he snickers when Oikawa retreats his hand. 

“Today was a lot of fun. Can we do that again?”

“Sure. I love festivals and I will bribe your dad to come with us if he loses against me in Pokémon. Don’t worry, he will,” he says adding a signature wink to his words. 

Tobio sits up and wraps his arms around Oikawa, clumsy as before. He’s like a baby chick, somehow. Puffs up when angry, a little unsteady, a little clumsy but so very adorable. “I’m happy you are here.”

Splinter for splinter, Oikawa isn’t entirely sure if this is another. It does feel like it but it is mild, it is soothing, it is more of a removal than an addition. He pets Tobio’s hair once, twice and the third time he does, Tobio slips back under his blanket cuddling his plushies. It still feels warm. And fuzzy. “G’night.”

Oikawa doesn’t hate being family at all. It is too much of the opposite.  
Once the boy closes his eyes, Oikawa bows over and like Ushijima before, presses a kiss to Tobio’s forehead. He murmurs something but Oikawa is unable to understand what. “Good night, Tobio.”

He leaves the room and lets out a sigh worth years of oxygen or so it feels. His body deflates and slides onto the ground. Involuntarily dramatic, for once but he doesn’t feel like he has the power to stand right now. He could use a talk with Iwaizumi right now. He wonders what he would say. 

Probably just sock him one and telling him not to be a bigger baby than Tobio is. Or a coward. Or both. Iwaizumi has told him times and times before. Especially after Ushijima’s divorce. But if there is one thing Oikawa is better in than lying to himself is avoiding the topic. And dancing around it. And ultimately ending up doing nothing but instead overthinking everything to an extent that the smallest thing seems like a state of emergency. Like The State Of Emergency. 

Oikawa takes a deep breath and stands up, straightens his back and breathes out. Tobio is simple, Ushijima is simple so the situation should be simple as well if it involves both of them. This is all just overthinking. Catastrophe thinking, Iwaizumi called it before. Everything is a terrible catastrophe in your life because you make it so. It’s true. Hence why he can’t enjoy the situation as it is. Even though this is all he ever wanted exempt one thing. 

Ushijima.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> onto the next, no rest for the readers!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go, next chapter right away, 3 & 4 together as one chapter would have been lethal. i hope you enjoy!

He walks down the stairs and peeks into the kitchen from there, Ushijima’s broad back standing at the stove. He didn’t say anything about food, did he? Not that Oikawa minds it much. He remembers Ushijima as an exceptional cook which is not entirely surprising considering he grew up in a rural area. That’s what everyone says, no one really dares saying the f-word. _Farmer_. Somehow everyone was too intimidated to call Ushijima that while he has never had a problem saying his family owns a rather big farm. With quite an income, too. 

He tiptoes into the kitchen but doesn’t go unnoticed. “Ah. Is Tobio asleep?”

“Aw, man. I was hoping to scare you. Yeah, he’s in bed and asleep. Should be. ...What are you doing?” Oikawa shuffles closer and looks past Ushijima into the pan. 

“You said earlier we should prepare the meat or it would go bad tomorrow and I remembered when I looked into the fridge.”

“Oh. Right. I did say that before we left. What a letdown, I thought you’d await me with a five-course dinner and candlelight.” 

Giggles and jokes but wouldn’t that be a nice thing? Ever since Oikawa learnt Ushijima was a great cook, he always imagined him cooking something for him. What a chaste thought.

“I was thinking we might be too full for that. But I wouldn’t mind cooking more if this is not enough. We still have plenty of ingredients for more.”

Oikawa crosses his arms and looks over at the table. There are two mugs there. One he recognizes as his own - actually he brought it along because it is his favourite mug, glowing in the dark stars almost washed away with the years though - and the other is one he doesn’t see often but knows Ushijima usually drinks from it. White with specks of colours, uneven lines and scrawly handwriting. Tobio told Oikawa a while ago he made it in kindergarten for Ushijima’s birthday and got a little flustered. ‘It doesn’t look so pretty,’ he said but he was still always happy to see it in the sink. Supposedly, it showed a volleyball and Tobio had at least attempted to write ‘My dad is the best’ except the words didn’t fit and it only says ‘My dad is best’. Close enough, it only sounds a little quirky. 

“Better not or the coffee will go cold. I don’t mind eating fried meat without any vegetables or garnish,” and this is very obviously meant sarcastically but it comes out as entirely honest. It doesn’t seem like Oikawa’s mouth plays along with his mind at all today. Dangerous. 

He sits down at the table, fingers curling around the handle of the mug. The coffee still seems hot enough to be covered in stars. When the drink is hot, the stars are all visible, when it’s cold it’s just a plain black mug. And because he didn’t know back when he got it from Iwaizumi, he plastered it with stickers that glow in the dark - specifically made for dishes. And got sacked by Iwaizumi for being so dumb and not using it beforehand to see the trick. He could have just told him. 

Not much later, Ushijima sits down opposite of Oikawa and breathing out. He brings a wave of delicious smell along with him and a plate with small pieces of fried meat. Oikawa doesn’t think twice before grabbing one stuffing it into his mouth and it _burns_.

“Ow, _shit_ ,” he hisses and god damn it, his brain is shut off as it seems. 

“I should have warned you that it’s hot. Do you want something cold to drink?” Ushijima stands up again right away, swiftly moving towards the fridge. 

“Are you insane, my teeth are going to fall off if you give me something cold to drink… God, my throat is burnt….”

“Take it anyway.” A glass of water is placed right next to Oikawa, still wheezing, and Ushijima goes back to his seat. “I’m sorry.”

“Would you stop being so considerate for once, it’s insufferable.”

It’s not. That’s a lie. But there is this thing about Tobio and Ushijima that they believe what they are told and even if they don’t show it but they hurt inside. Both are so incredible inept at expressing themselves that it’s sad. 

There is also this thing - and Oikawa is aware that he does it more than he should - that Oikawa likes to blame others for his failures. It is not Ushijima’s fault he was so stupid and ate something _coming right out of a frying pan_. It’s also not Ushijima’s direct fault Oikawa feels so miserable. He is the reason but he is not guilty of anything. Theoretically.

And then there is the last thing, and Oikawa hates it next to many other traits of himself he thinks he might have managed to control but not to ban them entirely. But if there is anything Oikawa is terrible at, it is apologizing. 

“...I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

He grips the mug far tighter than he should, staring at the glass of water instead of looking at Ushijima. It’s not that he is beyond apologizing to someone.But seeing your mistakes, especially the stupid ones, is scary. In the end, he comes back to thinking of Iwaizumi telling him he is a coward. Rightfully so. 

“Ushiwaka. Do you think this here is family?”

Oikawa’s throat hurts, more because it is dry than burnt, and there is a ton of splinters still stuck in his heart. He wants to hear the reply but he also doesn’t. The reply he gives without Tobio around where he feels like he needs to cater to his son’s needs to make him happy. 

Despite his confusion, Ushijima replies rather quickly and steadily. “It feels like it. ...To me, when I think of coming home, I think of Tobio and you.”

This is not your home, this is not your family, this is just a job. He did try to keep that up. He did. But it’s exhausting when his heart is of another opinion entirely. Has been the whole time. 

“I think I am the last person to define family properly. But ever since Tobio has been born, I have never felt more at home than now.” It is so simple. 

“Why me?” Oikawa doesn’t dare looking up when he asks that question. “Why did you hire me? It could have been anyone. I don’t even particularly know how to deal with children. I am too spoilt to take care of a household. In years we’ve known each other you had heard me saying this over and over again. Asking me to take care of your child…. did you pity me this much? Did you think I would be this lonely?”

“I never… I didn’t. That was not the reason. I…”

And then Oikawa looks up. Ushijima sits there with an expression very akin to what he has seen once before. Once. When he spoke about his mistakes. Ah. A mistake. A smile comes up Oikawa’s face and it is so vile it makes his stomach toss and turn. 

“I’ll have you know that I was grateful for the offer. How couldn’t I have been, when you offered me so much money just for keeping a household. I grant you that you at least saw through me being materialistic enough to take your bait.”

It’s not true. It was a pleasant surprise to hear he would get a decent sum of money for being a nanny but the reason he took the offer was too simple for Oikawa to remember. He wanted to be closer to Ushijima. Closer than just teammates. Closer than just casual friends outside of the court. He saw the opportunity to do so and took it, it was nothing more. Simple.

“Oh and all of this? Well, I am exceptional at being a nanny and at making you feel like home, aren’t I? Making Tobio comfortable and bribing him into accounting for me so you will keep on funding my future life. I even learnt how to cook properly, that’s a nice side effect.”

He was supposed to tell the truth. Supposed not to be a coward anymore. But this has all just been a mistake, right? Just when he wanted to settle with his feelings. Better late than never, realizing that the world isn’t as fair as it pretends to be. 

Ushijima stares at him, both bewildered and terrified, somehow. It looks terrible on him. He opens his mouth to speak up but Oikawa is faster. 

“Aren’t I the best replacement you could have found? I am positive I am. It feels good, doesn’t it? Knowing Tobio is at home with someone he trusts, with someone he likes, being on court meanwhile and not having to worry about a nosy wife or girlfriend complaining you spend too little time with them. You can come home to a son who loves you unconditionally and a household kept by someone without any strings attached, no commitment made. It’s comfortable, right?”

His voice barely resounds in his own ears anymore, Oikawa is unable to tell what he is saying anymore but he knows it is nothing good. Nothing he should have been saying. What was the other thing Iwaizumi always told him…. ‘You always destroy everything yourself. Like a kid playing lego for hours, making it perfect, a poster picture and then you destroy it in not even 5 seconds, taking it apart in the most frantic manner. Out of a mood, like a maniac. And no one understands it, not even you.’ Perhaps Iwa-chan should have considered being a psychologist. Oikawa never deemed him smart enough for that but perhaps he had been wrong.

His senses are so dull that he hasn’t noticed Ushijima standing up, Ushijima standing next to him, the second he realizes is when Ushijima grabs his face, both of his slightly larger hands than his own cupping it and squeezing it perhaps a little too tightly.

“It is not and that was not the reason. I did not do it out pity nor out of convenience. You are not a replacement to me, you could _never_ be a replacement to me when you are the one I have wanted by my side for much longer than I can remember. Please stop talking like that about yourself. Please…” The grip loosens and it is difficult not to look into his eyes when he got Oikawa pinned like this. His vision goes blurry but he can still see, he can still tell that Ushijima, above anything, feels helpless at this moment. He is despairing. Oikawa remember wanting to see that yet now that it is right before him, now that it is about _him_ , on his behalf--- splinters over splinters, they want to make Oikawa scream and he opens his mouth but there is no voice coming out. His eyes are wide open, so so widely but he still can’t see clearly. He can only feel. 

Ushijima’s hands on his face. They are warm, hot even. His heart racing in his chest, hurting over and over again with every beat. Tears running down his cheeks and they tear his skin apart. 

He regains his sense of hearing first. Ushijima’s voice, most prominently. “I should have told you. I told myself I would as soon as you asked but even today, I was not brave enough to do so. I have never wanted to humiliate you nor pity you. I never thought of you as a sole replacement that I could discard. I wanted you around me but I was terrified that I had not managed to forge a bond strong enough on court to make you stay by my side. When you told the team you would need to retire, everything went blank for me. The reason….”

He can feel himself breathing, or trying to because it gets caught up in his throat, and his heart hammering against his chest. 

“...The reason my wife left right at the same time was because she told me she could see now why I am so distant towards her. She could see that she was not the one I ever wanted and told me that she feels the same towards me. That it would be better if we part ways because it drags us both down. That she couldn't bear taking care of a child at this point anymore. That I should ask the person I lost my heart to to do that. That we would surely make a better family and give Tobio what he needs because she is not the person to do so. She admitted she had nothing but frustration left in her, that she felt like her ‘family’ was a burden on her. Because it had all been a fake. And that Tobio needed something that is real in order to be mended.”

“I wasn’t a replacement for her.” Moving his mouth, speaking with a voice almost too monotonous to be possibly human, too calm to belong to a person crying, Oikawa is hit by so many realisations at once. “She… was a replacement for me.”

“I told my parents I would not be able to take over their business because I wanted a career as an athlete. They told me that they would only agree to this if I get married to someone who gives them an advantage. I protested because I had not planned on having a family. Not simply because I wanted to be a professional volleyball player but because my heart was sealed. I knew it had no chance to bear any fruits, that love, but I didn’t want to give up on it either.”

“They knew you loved another man.”

“They found out. And felt the necessity to keep up both their image and an heir by fusing with a family with just as much influence. It was the only chance for me to play. And so, I sealed it even farther away.”

“All this time…”

“I tried. I did. I never wanted to impose that sort of pain onto my wife and consequently onto Tobio. I meant to clear things up with her, although we both knew at some point that it would never work out between us. Even if we tried. We had hopes at first. I had, that I might forget you if I am with her. The fact that Tobio was about to be born, I realized at that point that you and me, we would never have a chance. And it terrified me.”

“You were so distant towards him because of that too… you said you hated your wife but you hated the situation. You hated that… it wasn’t… me…”

“I knew it was impossible. And I tried again. To give up. Not to look. But I ended up distancing myself more from my family… and in an odd way from you also. I lost both because I had been too much of a coward to be frank. Once in my life, I had thought I could keep up a lie but I haven’t been made to lie.”

“You… after your wife left, you felt relief. That she understood. That she let you go. That she gave you a chance. That’s why you talk of her so fondly. She _saved_ you. And that’s why you came to me… because finally you saw the chance to adapt me into your family…”

“...I should have been honest with you back then. But I was desperate. I knew that you were barely able to keep yourself in a stable mood at that time and thinking about telling you what I am feeling for you, imposing my feelings onto someone else once more and making them hurt again, I couldn’t.”

“So instead… you asked me if I would nanny your son. So I could slowly grow into the family. So I could approach at least him properly. You listened to what your wife said. That I would be able to give Tobio what he needs… because what you feel for me… is real.”

“I was too ashamed of what I had done to return back home for a while. Too ashamed that I paid you to stay close to me. Too ashamed that I didn’t trust our bond enough to ask you directly, to tell you. Too ashamed to have lied and basing all of this family I wanted on it. Once you told me off for what I had done, once I told you at least partially what had happened, I felt more relieved than ever before. I didn’t see that you were suffering because I was blinded by the fake image of the family I wanted to see.”

“I wasn’t suffering because of that.” And then Oikawa’s voice, it goes back to normal, he hears it, his own voice though broken by tears. “I was suffering because I wanted to distance myself from this but couldn’t. Because I wanted this family, exactly this one, exactly here I wanted my home to be for such a long time and then there was the chance because your wife left you. I was terrified of myself because your suffering was my luck. Her suffering was my luck. Tobio’s suffering was my luck and I couldn’t understand how I became this type of person. So I tried not to give in even though the chances were many, the opportunity too good to let it slip and for most of the time… I simply didn’t draw any lines in hopes I wouldn’t need them. The hope has been there for an entire year after I had given up on you, after I tried to give up on you for so long.”

Oikawa feels a smile breaking through his tears and though he is too numb yet to understand what sort of smile it is, he feels incredibly warm inside. “We were the same, Ushiwaka. For such a long time. I thought we would be smarter than that, both of us.”

The reciprocated smile Ushijima shows wakes up Oikawa entirely. It is the same one, the exactly same warm, tender smile that turns his usually so stern face milder than the sweetest curry - to say it in Tobio’s way - he has ever tasted. The same smile he shows only Tobio. “It is probably about time I say this… it was the time to do so long ago… but will you be my family?”

“...No.”

The expression on Ushijima’s face is priceless. Not entirely enjoyable but not as unpleasant as Oikawa considered it being. “I’m sorry, Ushiwaka. I’m too romantic for such a basic question. Try a bit harder.”

His eyes wander, bewildered because of the previous rejection but he strikes up an answer right away. “Will you be the romantic part of the family?”

Oikawa is left to stare at Ushijima. “Ushijima Wakatoshi, please tell me this is not how you ask me to be your lover.”

“I haven’t actually done this before, I have no idea.”

Amazing. Absolutely fantastic. This is probably enough to bring Oikawa back to his usual mood level. He snorts and nuzzles Ushijima’s hands, not solely for enjoyment but also in order to wipe the tears off his face which works medium-well (it didn’t work at all), leaning his forehead against Ushijima’s. “How about ‘You are all I ever wanted and I am so happy that I can finally hold you in my arms and call you mine.’ and then a kiss? _That_ would be romantic after our dramatic outings. Have you never watched a drama before, Ushiwaka?”

“I am not very knowledgeable in terms of TV programmes, I’m afraid.” He slides his hands down, wrapping them around Oikawa, “But I know that you are all I ever wanted and I am so happy I can finally hold you in my arms. ...Will you be mine?”

There is a grin on Oikawa’s face - he swears he only had this type of grin once when he got admitted to the national team - that he can very well define now, his senses as sharp as ever again. “I will, so we can watch bad dramas by each other’s side for a life time.” 

His face is sticking with tears still, making the chaste kiss taste saltier than necessary, his heart racing faster than the times he ran miles and miles to get a clear head and his fingertips and toes tingling harder than after an entire session of endless tosses, he wraps his arms around Ushijima’s neck and pulls him in closer.

The feeling of these lips, of these arms and of these warmth, the sound of this very voice, so low and raspy at times, Oikawa knows that this is the feeling of home. That he arrived where he should be. Right where his sometimes all too dense child Tobio and his equally sometimes all too honest Ushijima are is the place he calls home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sounds a lot like an ending to you? yeah, kinda (and what a cheesy one wtf). 
> 
> don't worry though, there is so much more where this is coming from. not solely for ushioi though! because will you believe this entire apartment complex is full of dumb families like ushioi+baby tob. yes you will. next up will probably be bokuaka+baby shou! 
> 
> other than that, ushioi+tob will be set as completed but there will be several extra stories and chapters, i'm sure! thank you so much for reading the entire thing and following the process of it! <3

**Author's Note:**

> this is dumb i am sorry i do not compute all complaints filed to an anon who gave me the prompt "nanny/single parent ushioi au" and kara who dragged me down this hell i created for myself. i swear i don't know


End file.
